“When you’ve got any romantic involvement with this man in any respect, I might strongly recommend getting as far-off from him as attainable,” mentioned TikToker Jenny Rhodes in a video she posted in February that now has over 367,000 views. “I’ve by no means met somebody so manipulative in my life.” Rhodes was referring to her then-husband, a person whom she has since divorced, who, in response to this video, cheated on her with dozens of girls shortly after they had been married.
Rhodes isn’t the one lady who has despatched out a PSA like this—and TikTok isn’t the one app the place you’ll find tales like these. Girls are discovering their companions in city-specific Fb teams devoted to sharing details about males who’re untrue, abusive, or untrustworthy.
In the event you’re a single lady within the relationship pool—particularly in the event you’re relationship males—you’ve most likely heard of the one in your metropolis. And in the event you’re chronically on-line, you’ve undoubtedly seen a TikTok storytime or two about somebody discovering their husband or boyfriend on one in all these pages.
However how do these teams even work, and are they actually value becoming a member of in the event you’re fearful your companion may be dishonest? We investigated.
What are “Are We Relationship The Similar Man” Fb teams?
In response to The Impartial, “Are We Relationship the Similar Man?” Fb teams began in New York Metropolis as a approach for ladies to submit in regards to the individuals they’re relationship—normally a cisgender man—and verify to see in the event that they had been single.
Since then, the aim of the teams has morphed from checking a possible companion’s availability to exposing serial cheaters, calling out abusive ex-partners, and even catching relationship app catfishes. Similar to in Rhodes’ video, the place she identifies particular places the place her ex may be positioned, ladies in numerous cities use the group to guard different ladies of their space with each submit.
The teams operate just like the inverse of a relationship app: as a substitute of displaying choices for potential matches, the community-driven feed reveals an inventory of fellows you shouldn’t date.
Like every Fb group, “Are We Relationship the Similar Man?” teams have group guidelines and tips. To stop doxxing and defamation, most teams require that each one posts solely establish the “man” with a photograph and a primary title. Everybody who desires to affix the group is required to use, and sharing any content material exterior of the group is strictly forbidden to guard the members’ security.
The teams operate just like the inverse of a relationship app: as a substitute of displaying choices for potential matches, the community-driven feed reveals an inventory of fellows you shouldn’t date.
Why do “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” Teams Exist?
Cyberpsychologist Jocelyn Brewer says that “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” teams exist as a result of relationship, particularly within the digital age, can really feel wildly unsure. “With the ability to verify an inkling about infidelity and perceive the depth of it may be empowering for individuals when relationship and romantic intimacy can really feel so uncontrolled,” she mentioned. Think about you had been uncertain a couple of new romantic companion and a video like Rhodes’ saying “I might not really feel secure round this man” in your FYP, or a submit about how horrible he’s—it might function all of the affirmation it’s good to finish the connection.
Earlier than you leap to any conclusions in regards to the type of conversations and public takedowns which can be occurring in these teams, know that if a member posts a couple of man who’s actually first rate, the group will sing his praises. “If there’s a pleasant man who’s posted, ladies will come out of the woodwork to let you recognize,” mentioned TikToker @notkahnjunior in an explainer video.
…if a member posts a couple of man who’s actually first rate, the group will sing his praises.
Are ladies really catching cheaters in these teams?
Quick reply: sure. Lengthy reply: sure, and the consequences are way more wide-reaching than the top of some relationships or a handful of girls dodging creeps. Some ladies are being contacted about their companions being posted in these Fb teams even when they themselves haven’t joined the group.
This occurred to Desiree Westman, who’s documenting her expertise along with her dishonest husband on TikTok. In her authentic video explaining the scenario, she mentioned, “I simply noticed a message this morning in my TikTok from a woman who is aware of my husband asking if I had posted him within the ‘Are We Relationship The Similar Man?’ Fb group in my space…no, not relationship him, simply married to him!”
Past spreading exterior of the confines of Fb and into different corners of the web, a number of defamation lawsuits have been introduced (and dismissed) in opposition to “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” teams.
One of the crucial noteworthy was the case introduced by Nikko D’Ambrosio in opposition to the “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” Chicago Fb group after he was posted within the group, which @notkahnjunior highlighted in her video. In the end, the lawsuit was dismissed, and D’Ambrosio has since been convicted of tax fraud in an unrelated case.
Among the “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” teams have even been reported to Fb and shut down, whereas others have been used to seek out males who deserted their wives. Clearly “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” is now about far more than, nicely, whether or not or not we’re relationship the identical man.
It’s about looking for and discovering group within the trendy digital relationship scene, which by itself can really feel greater than just a little bit isolating. The teams have turn out to be each a mandatory approach for ladies to guard one another and a supply of main chaos in individuals’s private lives.
Are “Are We Relationship The Similar Man” teams value becoming a member of?
Regardless of how wholesome of a relationship you’re in, fears of infidelity can all the time creep in. Social media is sprinkled with dramatic examples of painful relationship tales—together with those highlighted on this article.
In response to @notkahnjunior, there’s no danger to becoming a member of a “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” Fb group in the event you don’t have a shady monitor report in your personal relationship historical past. “You don’t have anything to fret about with these when you have by no means been shady to ladies,” she mentioned in her explainer TikTok.
Nonetheless, the web nonetheless has very tangible impacts on psychological well being, and on the finish of the day, it does profit platforms like TikTok and Fb to sow mistrust by way of viral tales of dishonest. Due to this, exercising wholesome social media boundaries is important as you’re employed by means of relationship and relationship anxiousness.
The teams have turn out to be each a mandatory approach for ladies to guard one another and a supply of main chaos in individuals’s private lives.
“The very existence of digital communication instruments can spark anxiousness and compulsion to hunt out data and go down stalkerish rabbit holes that always result in damage and confusion,” mentioned Brewer. So, no, you don’t want to fret about becoming a member of an “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” group…however you do want to have the ability to acknowledge in the event you’re feeling further anxious about infidelity attributable to witnessing the sheer variety of takedowns within the group.
What to do in the event you do discover your companion in an “Are We Relationship The Similar Man” group
In case you’ve discovered your self within the midst of a John Tucker Should Die-level scandal on an “Are We Relationship The Similar Man” Fb group, there are methods to manage. Right here’s what the consultants suggest in case you uncover the worst about your companion by way of the web.
Acknowledge your intestine instincts
First, acknowledge the truth that you had been actively trying to find proof of infidelity on-line—that means you knew in your intestine that one thing was unsuitable. “In the event you came upon your companion is dishonest by way of one in all these teams, you knew one thing wasn’t proper beforehand,” mentioned Jennifer Teplin, LCSW and Founding father of Manhattan Wellness. “Hearken to your intestine, respect your self, and maintain your companion to a regular that makes you proud.” Acknowledge that your intestine emotions had been appropriate, and provides your self credit score for that.
Since posting the preliminary TikTok about her ex-husband that went viral, Rhodes has crammed her web page with the purple flags that got here up whereas they had been relationship. She wonders aloud why she selected to get married so younger, shares what it’s prefer to uncover painful truths about her ex after the actual fact, and extra. Like Rhodes, recognizing the truth that your intestine intuition was appropriate might be vastly useful in beginning the therapeutic course of.
Lean in your real-life assist system
On the web, it may be tempting to hunt consolation, assist, and affirmation of your emotions from individuals who don’t know you IRL. That is very true of Fb teams like “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” that are definitely communities…however solely on-line. So as to keep away from falling into additional poisonous relationships, Dr. Brewer recommends leaning in your real-life family and friends as a lot as attainable. “Watch out of trauma bonding within the group and feeling overly linked due to your shared expertise,” she warns.
On the finish of the day, neither “Are We Relationship The Similar Man?” nor the web at giant are sufficiently big assist techniques that can assist you by means of a dramatic, painful breakup. Share your story, however share it with warning, and don’t be afraid of leaning in your buddies for assist. As cathartic as it could really feel to name your ex out on-line, keep in mind that there are individuals in your actual life who can and might be there for you once you want them to be.
Search skilled assist
The very nature of relationship within the digital age (and relationship on-line) has made it even simpler to overthink your private relationships—so once you undergo one thing like discovering a dishonest companion on the web, it’s vital to make sure that you have got the right coping abilities. “With the web, there may be the flexibility to name out to others to hunt data and in these teams the (typically arduous to guarantee) promise of solidarity, confidentiality, and sisterhood across the scenario,” Brewer says. “Getting skilled assist to reconcile the scenario, be taught from it, and bounce ahead is all the time useful for many who may discover themselves caught.” In the event you’re uncertain of tips on how to lower ties or transfer on with out the assistance of these within the Fb group, speaking to an expert is a good first step.